My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
