i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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