last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
