I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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