We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
