Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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