You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize