her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
