dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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