You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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