Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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