I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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