Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
