it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she smelled like a LAN party
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize