Little spoons don't ask big questions
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize