get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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