I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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