i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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