3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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