I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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