Kiss
Puke
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
