Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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