Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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