hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
