I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
