if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
