God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
