when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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