Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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