the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
