we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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