He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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