and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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