i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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