On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
