i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
