Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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