the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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