he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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