OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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