did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
