Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Randomize
