Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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