Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
