After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize