I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
