Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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