her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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