I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
