The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
