when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
