I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
