i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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