I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
where am i from again
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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