you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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