is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's rum buckets o'clock
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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