i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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