just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
