My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
