Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dick very happy bro
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
