Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
