i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
