I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
All I want is dick and wine.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
