mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
