Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
